Caption: Super Woman

Headline: Teenage handbag thief outpaced by 72-year-old ex-sprinter
Clip from: telegraph.co.uk
Date of clip: 12.2.9
Caption: Super Woman

A teenage thief picked on the wrong victim when she tried to run off with a bag belonging to pensioner Jean Hirst - a former championship sprinter.
The schoolgirl was surprised to discover her victim, a former All England Schools championship sprinter, still had a turn of pace - at the age of 72.

As Mrs Hirst gave chase, she soon began to close on the culprit who was forced to throw down the bag in her desperation to escape.

The retired teacher had allowed three teenage girls into her car to help her with directions after getting lost on the way to a theatre.

She was straight out of the starting blocks again, however, when one of them took advantage and tried to make off with her bag.

Mrs Hirst said: "Suddenly I felt 18 again. The adrenaline just kicked in and I seemed to turn back the years...

Headline: Zoo Offers Valentine's Day Special: Animal Sex Tours
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 12.2.9
Caption: So, go ahead and fire me

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — The Binder Park Zoo in Battle Creek is hosting an exotic afternoon on Valentine's Day to educate people about animal attraction.

"Zoorotica" is a program for adults 21 and older that will provide an unabashed look at the mating habits of wild animals...
The tour will make stops at exhibits and barns housing snow leopards, giraffes, zebras, primates, reptiles and other creatures.

Headline: County Grants Commissioner's Request To Be Fired
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 12.2.9
Caption: So, go ahead and fire me

Cheboygan County plans to fire its drain commissioner _ at his request.

The board of commissioners approved a resolution Wednesday to abolish the post of drain commissioner. Dennis Lennox was elected last November after campaigning on a promise to get rid of the job.

He says it's not needed because Cheboygan County has no drains to regulate.

State law requires that counties with more than 12,000 residents elect a drain commissioner. The post dates to Michigan's statehood in 1837, when local officials were in charge of developing and managing drainage ditches to eradicate swamplands.

Headline: Gang After Drugs Holds Up Family at Wrong Address
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 12.2.9
Caption: Sorry, Wrong Place, But While We're Here...

sA British family settling down for a dinner party were held up by an armed gang who burst into their house and threatened their 5-year-old daughter.

The gang of up to five men, all wearing hats or hoods with scarves covering their faces, demanded that the terrified owners and their two guests tell them where they "kept the drugs."

The family could not give the gang what they wanted because the men had targeted the wrong home in Croydon, South London.

Frustrated at their lack of success, the gang threatened to hurt the young girl and a shot was fired.

The family and friends were waiting for another couple on Saturday night when there was a knock at the door. When the homeowner opened the door he was confronted by the masked gang who forced him back into the dining room.

He suffered minor injuries as he was bundled back into the house and was hit with the gun.

The little girl began crying and the gang said they would hurt her unless the adults handed over the drugs.

Eventually the gang was persuaded that there were no drugs in the house, so they took everyone's cell phones and jewelry.

Headline: Nude nuptials for 250-guest wedding
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 12.2.9
Caption: Nudies in Wedding

ELLIE Barton and Phil Hendicott will bare all when the couple tie the knot au naturel as part of a radio station's naked wedding competition in Brisbane.


And for Ellie, at least, it will be a welcome relief from the daily fitness workouts the couple have endured in the lead-up to their flesh-fest nuptials, which will take place before 250 (fully clothed) guests at Brisbane's upmarket Gianni's Events restaurant at Portside.

"We started working out with a personal trainer the day we found out we won the competition," Ellie admitted to Confidential ahead of tomorrow's wedding.

"When I first started I said to him: 'Right, this is what I want us to work on - abs and bum.' So ever since then he has been killing me every morning.

Very Funny Irony

Headline: Man Runs Out Of Gas After Robbing Gas Station
Clip from: CBSnews
Date of clip: 11.2.9
Caption: Condoms And The Economy

Authorities said they arrested a man who apparently forgot to fill up when he was robbing a gas station. The Charlotte County Sheriff's Office said a 23-year-old man used a Bowie knife to rob a Cape Haze gas station early Sunday. Deputies said the man pulled the 12-inch blade and demanded money. But when he left, a customer followed him and called 911.

While deputies were looking for signs of the robber, a newspaper carrier told them that a man in a car matching the one from the robbery had run out of gas nearby.

Headline: Sagging sales for global condom king
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 11.2.9
Caption: Condoms And The Economy

THE libido-draining effect of the global financial crisis has been demonstrated in the full-year earnings guidance downgrade of rubber glove and condom maker Ansell.
Ansell chief executive Doug Tough said weaker sales in November and December had led to the revision of full-year earnings forecast to a range between US65c and US70c a share.

This is 2 per cent down from its earlier forecast of US70-74c a share, The Daily Telegraph reports.

In the condoms division, total sales were slightly lower. While sales of branded condoms were robust and with overwhelming US demand for Ansell's new SKYN polyisoprene condom, it wasn't enough to prop up its private label division's sagging sales.

Headline: Cops: Teen Billed School for $37,000 Worth of Candy
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 11.2.9
Caption: The Candy Man Can

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio — Police say an Ohio teenager tried to pull off a sweet deal by ordering more than $37,000 of candy online and charging the bill to his former high school.

Police say the 18-year-old used a Middletown High School purchasing number to place orders for thousands of lollipops and candy bars from Michigan-based The Goodies Factory. It wasn't clear how he accessed the number.

Headline: Secret Thoughts No Longer Secret
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 10.2.9
Caption: I've Got a Secret--We Know

Canadian researchers say they can glean simple preferences from a person's brain by shining near-infrared light into the noggin.

The study, reported in the Journal of Neural Engineering, demonstrated the ability to decode a person's preference for one of two drinks with 80 percent accuracy by measuring the intensity of near-infrared light absorbed in brain tissue, the scientists said in a statement today.

"This is the first system that decodes preference naturally from spontaneous thoughts," says Sheena Luu, a University of Toronto doctoral student in biomedical engineering who led the work under the supervision of Tom Chau, a specialist in pediatric rehab engineering at the university's Bloorview Kids Rehab center.

Headline: Va. Man Charged With Killing Hawk To Help Squirrel
Clip from: cbsnews.com
Date of clip: 10.2.9
Caption: Squirrel Saver

For a Virginia doctor, squirrels are a man's best friend, too. Thomas Shepler, a hand surgeon, shot a hawk to death in his backyard when he said the bird was eyeing a young squirrel that he and his wife had helped raise.

Shepler, 65, said the hawk had previously killed an adult squirrel near his suburban Washington home in Vienna. When the doctor tried to chase away the bird over the weekend by yelling and throwing a crowbar at it, the hawk didn't leave the area.

So Shepler got a shotgun and killed it.

A police officer heard the shot Saturday and Shepler was arrested. He was charged with discharging a firearm in public and cruelty to animals.

Headline: Naked chief splits after YouTube stunt
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 10.2.9
Caption: Weird-- figure this one out by yourself

THE head of the advertising firm behind the controversial Witchery Man advertising campaign featuring a fake YouTube video has parted ways with the company.
Naked Communications' issued a press release this afternoon saying chief executive Mat Baxter would leave the company today to "pursue other new business opportunities'', The Australian reports.

Mr Baxter's departure comes days after controversial magazine ads placed by Naked appeared, naming and thanking the media who reported on the search for love of "Heidi Clarke'' - the fake identity of the model who appeared in the video looking for the owner of a men's jacket.

Mr Baxter said Naked was moving in a new direction and the decision for him to leave was mutual. He said it was not connected with a backlash over the Witchery Man campaign.

Robber offers stolen loot to crash victim as hush money

Headline: Police: Robber Offers Crash Victim Hush Money
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 8.2.9
Caption: Robber offers stolen loot to crash victim as hush money

A suspected bank robber is behind bars after a woman whose car he hit during the getaway declined a share of the booty to keep quiet. According to investigators, a 46-year-old man walked into a branch of Bank of the West at noon Thursday and handed an employee a note demanding money.

Investigators said the man fled with the cash, but a few minutes later collided with another car. The driver told police that the man explained he had just robbed a bank and offered her a share of the take to keep quiet.

Headline: N.C. Racers Run 2 Miles, Eat 12 Doughnuts, Return
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 8.2.9
Caption: ALL FOR DOUGHNUTS

In a charity race Saturday, more than 5,000 runners ran two miles to a downtown Raleigh Krispy Kreme shop, ate a dozen glazed doughnuts each and returned to North Carolina State University in less than an hour.

That's 2,400 calories and 144 grams of fat consumed while burning about 400 calories during the run.

The student-run Krispy Kreme Challenge raised about $35,000 for the North Carolina Children's...

Headline: Michigan Judge Finds Escaped Prisoner in His Trunk
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 7.2.9
Caption: A Bounty In The Boot

A Michigan judge says he's learned a lesson about locking his car after a 16-year-old prisoner who escaped from a courthouse cell was found hiding in the vehicle's trunk.

The Macomb Daily reports the teen had vanished Friday after appearing in juvenile court in Mount Clemens on a probation violation.

Sheriff's deputies searched for about an hour until a security officer became suspicious when he saw a picture that had fallen to the ground outside judge's car.

A deputy checked the car and found the boy in the trunk.

Headline: Woman Robs Restaurant While Tearfully Apologizing
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 7.2.9
Caption: Crying Woman Robs Restaurant

Police have arrested a woman they say robbed a South Bend restaurant while tearfully apologizing to the cashier. The woman, whose identity wasn't released, was taken to the St. Joseph County Jail on a charge of theft Tuesday night.

According to a police report, the woman told the cashier at the Long John Silver's restaurant she had a gun and needed money, then began crying and said, "If I wasn't down and out, I wouldn't be doing this." ...

Headline: Texas Highway Sign Warns of British Invasion
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 6.2.9
Caption: The British Are Coming

Print ShareThisA hacked electronic highway sign in northern Texas carred a warning not thought about in several centuries.

On Friday, the sign briefly flashed: "OMG The British R coming. They R watching you."

KCBD-TV reported the electronic sign was in a construction area in southwest Lubbock.

The Texas Department of Transportation said the mobile sign belongs to a contractor.

A statement from Austin Bridge & Road said someone "with a questionable sense of humor" accessed the password on the message board.

The company said the portable sign which was hacked has since been removed, after a permanent exit sign was installed.

Police had no word yet on the culprits.

Headline: Teen 'coerced Facebook friends into sex'
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 6.2.9
Caption:Guy As Girl On Facebook Asks Girls For Sex Pics

A TEENAGER has been charged with sexual assault after he allegedly posed as a girl on
Facebook, had classmates send him naked photos and blackmailed them into performing sex acts.

Anthony Stancl, 18 of New Berlin, Wisconsin, persuaded at least 31 boys to send him compromising pictures and then coerced some of them to perform sexual acts to keep him from releasing the photos on the internet, prosecutors said.

Bank Robber With No Bank To Rob

Headline: Robber Mistakes Building For A Bank, Demands Cash
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 15.1.9
Caption: Bank Robber With No Bank To Rob

Police said a man showed a gun and tried to rob a bank, but he wasn't in one. The Jessamine South Elkhorn Water District has offices in what was formerly a branch of Farmers Bank. City police spokesman Scott Harvey told the Lexington Herald-Leader a man came into the building Tuesday, showed a pistol and demanded money.

When an employee told the man the office really didn't have any money, the confused would-be robber replied, "I know you have money. It's a bank."

He was told it was no longer a bank and he left with nothing.

Headline: Stripping burglar stuck on roof
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 15.1.9
Caption: Stuck in the nude for you

A SUSPECTED burglar who got stuck on a house roof in an exclusive Melbourne suburb stripped naked to show police he wasn't carrying any weapons.
The man became stuck on top of the property in Middle Park, in Bayside Melbourne, about 11.30am (AEDT) today, a police spokeswoman said.

"Initially he didn't want to come down but now it's a matter of getting him down safely,'' she said.

After first stripping naked, he then put his clothes back on, the spokeswoman said.

Local police, helicopters, police dogs, the police force response unit and the Metropolitan Fire Brigade (MFB) were all at the scene at lunchtime working out how to rescue the man.

Headline: Fast food in the nude
Clip from: FOXnews.com
Date of clip: 14.1.9
Caption: BUFF ORDER TO GO

A MAN was served hot chips at a late night eatery wearing nothing but his birthday suit, and asked a passerby to take photos.
The Northern Territory News reports the late night reveller stripped bare before putting in his order at the Darwin City 24-Hour Eatery on Smith St early on Monday.A witness said the naked man walked into the shop to order two buckets of chips with gravy. And the female attendant was reportedly only too happy to serve the nude customer.

Headline: Man Shoots Toilet After Gun in Pants Goes Off
Clip from: FOXnews.com
Date of clip: 14.1.9
Caption: I shot the toilet, but I did not shoot the sink.

CENTERVILLE, Utah — The man escaped with a few cuts to his arm, but the toilet made out much worse.

Police say a man's gun fell out of its holster while he pulled up his pants after using the bathroom at a Carl's Jr. restaurant Tuesday. The gun fired when it hit the floor and shattered the commode.

A few shards of porcelain cut the man's arm, and a woman in an adjacent restroom who was frightened by the noise reported she was having chest pain. Both people were checked at the scene and released. ...

Headline: Goat Blamed for Iowa House Fire
Clip from: FOXnews.com
Date of clip: 14.1.9
Caption: Goats are Arsonists

NORWALK, Iowa — A group of goats may have started a fire that destroyed a home in central Iowa, firefighters said.

The fire broke out early Tuesday near Norwalk. Three people in the house escaped unharmed.
John Hadley said his cat woke up him up, and he saw smoke coming from a ceiling. Hadley then woke up his ailing mother and her companion and got them out of the house.
The fire may have been started by some goats kept in a shed attached to the rear of the house, Assistant Northern Warren County Fire Chief Kevin Dingman said.
He said a space heater was kept in the shed to keep the goats warm, and the goats may have knocked it over, starting the fire.

Headline Lots ... and Lots of Coffee Linked to Hallucinations
Clip from: FOXnews.com
Date of clip: 14.1.9
Caption: Great Coffee Trip Man

Research suggests people who drink more than seven cups of instant coffee a day have an increased tendency to hallucinate.

High caffeine users may even think they sense non-existent people, according to researchers from the University of Durham.

They studied 200 students who were asked about their typical intake of caffeine products.

Those who had a high caffeine intake were three times more likely to have the heard voice of someone non-existent than "low" users who consumed less than one cup of instant coffee or its equivalent.

Seeing things that were not there, hearing voices and sensing the presence of dead people were among the experiences reported. Researchers also found that people drinking as few as three cups of brewed coffee each day may experience mild hallucinations, such as hearing voices that aren't there.

Headline: Mum posed as daughter to be cheerleader
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 14.1.9
Caption: Mommy Dearest Cheerleader

A 34-year-old mother was so desperate to be part of a US high school's cheerleading squad that she posed as her 15-year-old daughter.

Wendy Brown was committed today to a mental health facility for three years by a court in the midwest US state of Wisconsin after being found not guilty of identity theft because of mental impairment, news agency AP reports.

According to court documents Brown "stated she that wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed."

Brown enrolled at Ashwaubenon High School using her daughter's ID and attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

Kinda Dumb Robber

Headline: Masked Man Waits in Line to Rob Ohio Bank
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 9.1.9
Caption: Kinda Dumb Robber

STOW, Ohio — A man may have tipped his intentions when he stood in line at an Ohio bank wearing a ski mask before staging a holdup.

Police in Stow near Akron say 24-year-old Feliks Goldshtein of Highland Heights was arrested minutes later on Thursday following a brief car chase.

Police say the teller asked the man to take off the mask before being served. At that point the man displayed what turned out to be a toy gun and told the teller to give him all the money.

Police Captain Rick Myers says it's unusual for a masked robber to wait in line at a bank.

Headline: Cops: R.I. Boys Stole Car to Get to School on Time
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 9.1.9
Caption: BEING PUNCTUAL

WOONSOCKET, R.I. — Two Woonsocket High School boys did the right thing by trying to get to school on time.

It was the way they got there that police had a problem with.

Police tell The Call of Woonsocket the boys ages 15 and 16 stole a car Tuesday morning in order to make it to school on time.

Police received a call about a stolen vehicle at about 7:44 a.m.

John Raymond, an officer assigned to the school, found the vehicle in the parking lot.

After questioning some students, he identified two boys he thinks arrived in the car. One was located in class, and the other was in the in-house suspension room with the stolen car's keys in his pocket.

Headline: Kidney stone? No, it's a baby
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 9.1.9
Caption: Will she name the bay Stone or Kidney?

A CANADIAN woman rushed to hospital for what she believed was a kidney stone gave birth to a baby boy instead.
"This is some kidney stone, isn't it," the new mum told Canwest New Service as she cradled her son in her arms.

"We're still in shock. We just can't believe it."

Juanita Stead, 36, said she did not suffer morning sickness or put on extra weight during her pregnancy and she continued to menstruate so she had no idea that she was pregnant.

An X-ray after she went to hospital on on New Year's Eve suffering back pains revealed the truth.

"The technician looked at me and said, 'My dear, you're pregnant with a full-term baby'. And I said: 'No sir, you got the wrong woman and you're looking at the wrong screen. There is no way I'm pregnant," she said.