I'm Not Drunk, It's My Horse

Headline: Cowboy Cited For 'riding Under The Influence'
Clip: CBSnews.com 2.5.9
Caption: I'm Not Drunk, It's My Horse

Colo. Police Write Man A $25 Ticket In Mall Parking Lot For 'riding Under The Influence'

Headline: 'There's no money for you - you're dead'
Clip: news.com.au 2.5.9
Caption: I did not know I'm dead

A VICTORIAN pensioner got the fright of his life when he was told by Centrelink workers he was listed as dead.

Clive Norton, 71, was told Centrelink records showed he died on April 8.

"I was pretty upset and just dumbfounded for a while," the Ballarat man said.

His wife, Denise, 61, even received a Centrelink payment for $2292 for funeral expences..

Headline: Husband's 365 nights of birthday sex
Clip: news.com.au 1.5.9
Caption: Sex for a year from dear

A US woman has written a book about the unusual gift she gave her husband for his 40th birthday - 365 nights of sex.
High-flying PR exec Charla Muller, from North Carolina, hit upon the idea for her salesman husband Brad, now 42, and has written a book about the year. Here's some of the excerpts printed in The Sun:

Headline: Barbecue Joint Needs Permit For Busty Mannequin
Clip: news.com.au 1.5.9
Caption: A sign for fines

A man who runs a suburban Cincinnati barbecue joint says the busty mannequin he put out front has been good for business, but city officials say he needs a permit to keep her there. The Design and Review Board in suburban Reading said under city rules, the figure is considered a sign, requiring a permit.

Headline: Man Asks To Join Brother In Jail And Gets His Wish
Clip: news.com.au 1.5.9
Caption: Birds of a feather

Police said a man wanted to go to jail with his arrested brother, so he shoved an officer and got his wish. David Jacob Ginnis, 35, pleaded guilty Wednesday to assault on a police officer and was sentenced to 30 days in jail, with the full sentence suspended.

CASE: BFWD

Headline: N.D. Mom Accused of Breast-Feeding While Drunk
Origin of Clip: FOXNews.com 28.4.9
Caption: CASE: BFWD

A North Dakota mother has pleaded not guilty to child neglect after prosecutors alleged she was drunk while breast-feeding her 6-week-old baby.

Prosecutor Carmell Mattison says alcohol was not the only factor in the felony charge against 27-year-old Stacey Anvarinia, who appeared in court Monday. She is free on bond.

Mattison says the mother "wasn't in a position to care for the child properly."

Anvarinia was arrested Feb. 13 after police answered a domestic disturbance call at her Grand Forks home. The prosecutor said officers witnessed Anvarinia breast-feeding the baby and asked her to stop because she was intoxicated.

Headline: Thieves steal car with leopard in boot
Origin of Clip: news.com.au 28.4.9
Caption: STOLE SUV AND LEAPARD TO BOOT

THIEVES who stole a man's car in Saint Petersburg are in for a surprise. There is a baby leopard in the boot.
"My driver and I were in the process of settling the leopard in the trunk of my Mercedes... when three masked assailants attacked us. They managed to get away with the car," the car's owner Mikhail Barakin said.

Mr Barakin is offering a reward of €70,000 ($128,664.64) for the return of his exotic pet, an Asian Leopard Cat, worth more to him than the Mercedes SUV.

Headline: Gone With the Wind: Pet Chihuahua Blows Away
Origin of Clip: FOXNews.com 28.4.9
Caption: Bye Bye Doggie

WATERFORD TOWNSHIP, Mich. — Tinker Bell has been reunited with her owners after a 70-mph gust of wind picked up the six-pound Chihuahua and tossed her out of sight.

Dorothy and Lavern Utley credit a pet psychic for guiding them on Monday to a wooded area nearly a mile from where 8-month-old Tinker Bell had been last seen. The brown long-haired dog was dirty and hungry but otherwise OK.

The Utleys, of Rochester, had set up an outdoor display Saturday at a flea market in Waterford Township, 25 miles northwest of Detroit.

Tinker Bell was standing on their platform trailer when she was swept away.

Headline: Finger cut off and eaten in wage protest
Origin of Clip: news.com.au 28.4.9
Caption: Finger Food

A SERBIAN union official who chopped off his finger and ate it in a protest over wages that in some cases have not been paid in years, said today he did it to show how desperate he and other workers were.
"We, the workers have nothing to eat, we had to seek some sort of alternative food and I gave them an example," Zoran Bulatovic said.

"It hurt like hell."

Mr Bulatovic, a union leader at the Raska Holding textile factory in Novi Pazar in southwest Serbia, used a hacksaw to cut off most of his left-hand little finger on Friday.

Mr Bulatovic said he decided to act after his deputy, "a single mother of three, was the first to say she would cut off her finger. I could not allow her to do that," he said.

State-owned Raska Holding was a major textile producer in the late 1980s with a workforce of 4000.

It suffered during the collapse of the former Yugoslavia in the 1990s and a loss of markets and mismanagement during a decade of wars and sanctions led to massive job cuts, leaving the company with just 100 workers.

An ironic lesson in drinking while driving

Headline: Mass. Driving Instructor Allegedly Drunk During Lesson
Origin of Clip: FOXNews.com 16.4.9
Caption: An ironic lesson in drinking while driving

NEWBURYPORT, Massachusetts — A driving instructor who police say was drunk while giving someone a driving lesson can stay out of jail but will lose his license for a year.

Daniel Winsky, 53, of Salem was convicted Thursday of operating under the influence while giving a lesson from the passenger seat of a car. He was sentenced to 18 months probation but won't be a licensed driver for one year.

Winsky was not behind the wheel during the December 2007 lesson, but prosecutors say he was in control of the passenger side brakes in the specially-fitted car and also moved the wheel during the lesson.

Headline: Maid 'poisoned' food with menstrual blood
Origin of Clip: news.com.au 16.4.9
Caption: This will make you puke

AN Indonesian maid has appeared in a Hong Kong court accused of adding menstrual blood to her employer's food in an effort to improve their stormy relationship.
Indra Ningsih, aged 26, mixed the blood in a pot of vegetables in the belief that the recipe would help ease her difficult work environment, The Standard newspaper reported.
In some southeast Asian cultures, menstrual blood is thought to have special powers, the paper added.
The maid has been charged with one count of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substances with intent to injure'' and has not yet entered a plea.
The report cited a prosecution statement that said Ms Ningsih's ingredient had been discovered after her female employer, surnamed Mok, peered through the kitchen door and saw the helper acting suspiciously.
She entered the kitchen and found the accused throwing something into the rubbish bin.
When she checked the pot, she found a suspicious substance mixed with the vegetables and water, the English-language daily said.
Ms Mok later discovered a used sanitary napkin in the bin and called the police.

Headline: Mom Drops $15G on Surgery to Look Like Daughter
Origin of Clip: FOXnews.com 16.4.9
Caption: Mom Becomes Sexy Daughter

At first glance it is hard to tell British mother and daughter Janet and Jane Cunliffe apart. But it is not due to genetics. Mom Janet, 50, has spent almost $15,000 on plastic surgery in an attempt to look identical to her 28-year-old daughter, The Daily Mail reported.

"Seeing how attractive Jane is made me want to get my looks back," Janet told the Mail. "Now instead of mum and daughter we look more like twins. I had good genes and good skin, but I needed a helping hand to make me feel better about myself."

Last September she flew to Croatia to have plastic surgery on her nose and eyes. She also got breast implants and had her lips plumped.

After she added blonde hair extensions she said men would mistake her and Jane for sisters.

Headline: Teen Stabbed to Death by Woman in Wheelchair
Origin of Clip: FOXnews.com 16.4.9
Caption: How?

Los Angeles police say a 15-year-old girl was stabbed to death by a woman in a wheelchair possibly twice her age after the pair got into a fight over a man.

Officer Karen Rayner says officers recieved several reports of the incident Wednesday afternoon on a street in South Los Angeles.

Rayner says "it sounds like it was a donnybrook of a lot of people fighting."

The victim was taken to a hospital where she was pronounced dead

Headline: Man Allegedly Stabs Brother Over Pork And Beans
Origin of Clip: CBSnews.com 16.4.9
Caption: NO BEANS ABOUT IT

A sheriff's deputy said a 54-year-old man stabbed his 63-year-old brother during an argument in their kitchen over a can of pork and beans. Sheriff's spokeswoman Cindy Chadwick said the suspect was booked Tuesday on one count of aggravated battery.

Chadwick said the brother was treated at a medical center for stab wounds in his left arm and shoulder blade.

Tipsy Bird Brain

Headline:Memphis Birds Get Tipsy From Fermented Fruit
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 1.3.9
Caption: Tipsy Bird Brain

Some drunks got out of hand, but instead of barflies it was birds intoxicated from eating fermented fruit. The Health Department investigated after receiving calls this week about dead and floundering Cedar waxwing birds.

An investigator told The Commercial Appeal he traced the problem to berries from nearby holly trees. Recent freezes ruptured berry cells, allowing the wild yeast to convert sugars into alcohol.

The birds apparently got tipsy from consuming the fermented berries and crashed into buildings

Headline: Man, 26, Has Stomach Removed to Prevent Cancer
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 1.3.9
Caption: This is a strange move, but worth it.

A 26-year-old North Carolina man has taken the drastic step of having his stomach removed to prevent a rare stomach cancer that runs in his family, ABC News reported Monday.

Brian Chelcun, of Huntersville, N.C., had his stomach removed two weeks ago at Boston's Massachusetts General Hospital.

The procedure may seem extreme, but for Chelcun, it was a no-brainer.

"I was seeing my dad go through the effects of having stage IV stomach cancer," Chelcun, whose father died Feb. 8 of the disease, told ABC News. "Here's a chance to avoid (getting) something that is a hard and difficult thing to cure."

Chelcun's family, on his father's side, carries a rare genetic mutation that leads to an increased risk of developing gastric cancer, which is hard to diagnose and has a five-year survival rate of just 24 percent.

Headline: Net dream cars 'imaginary rip-offs'
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 1.3.9
Caption: When it's too good to be true..

THEY are the cars that were not there. Internet fraudsters are posting ads on popular online trading hubs for motor vehicles which don't exist.
Police are investigating the case of a 35-year-old Sydney man who lost $10,600 after responding to an ad on the Trading Post website for a 1990 Porsche 911.

The man - who would only be identified as Joe because he feels so embarrassed - told The Daily Telegraph: "I know I am never going to get my money back. I found a car on Trading Post, emailed the seller and they responded quickly.

He sent money to the seller via Western Union.

"Now I find out it was a scam," he said.

Joe said Trading Post was "completely disinterested". "They said to me, 'What do you want us to do?'."

A spokeswoman for Telstra-subsidiary Sensis, which owns Trading Post, admitted the scam had not been detected by its trust and safety team.

"We strongly advise buyers to use common sense when transacting online," spokeswoman Danielle Horan said.

Headline: Woman gave birth and had heart surgery at same time
Clip from: BBC.co.uk.
Date of clip: 1.3.9
Caption: Have baby while having heart surgery

Rachael Joy, 36, initially went to hospital suffering from chest pains but doctors believed she just had a bad cough and sent her home.

Hours later she started coughing up blood, returned to hospital and doctors discovered she had aortic dissection, a rare and dangerous heart condition.

Mrs Joy, who was 36 weeks pregnant with her first baby, would have died from heart failure within 48 hours if the condition had been left untreated.

Even operating immediately meant she had a 25 per cent chance of dying on the operating table.

She said: "Suddenly I had an oxygen mask on my face and there were eight consultants in my room. I knew it wasn't good. They explained they needed to do an operation."

As she was anaesthetised Mrs Joy asked for her baby's life to be saved over her own.

Doctors first performed a caesarean and her son Charlie was born, weighing 5lbs 4oz. Then, surgeons started performing a marathon six hours of open heart surgery.

Headline: 'Sexercise' yourself into shape
Clip from: BBC.co.uk.
Date of clip: 1.3.9
Caption: Beautiful Agony

'Sexercise' yourself into shape

Forget about jogging round the block, the NHS says
The NHS has some new advice for people struggling to schedule a fitness routine into their daily lives - a workout between the sheets.

According to the NHS Direct website, "sexercise" can lower the risk of heart attacks and helps people live longer.

Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles, it states.

Sexual health experts said such claims could not be scientifically proven.

"It's good to see the NHS are promoting sexual wellbeing," Dr Melissa Sayer told the Guardian newspaper.

Headline: Man Allegedly Steals Ambulance That Came To Crash
Clip from: CBSnewscom.
Date of clip: 1.3.9
Caption: Crash Victim 'I'll Drive Myself"

A man was arrested for allegedly stealing an ambulance that arrived to help him after a car crash. The California Highway Patrol said a 20-year-old man drove his Honda Accord off State Route 299 and over an embankment into several trees Thursday night.

When emergency personnel arrived, he refused treatment. Instead he hopped into the ambulance and sped away.

CHP officers and Humboldt County deputies gave chase and managed to disable the ambulance by laying spikes on the road.

Headline: Woman fired for singing at work
Clip from: Canada.com.
Date of clip: 28.2.9
Caption: Singing in the Rain

A 47-year-old woman from Ghana has won six months' wages as compensation after her Italian employer fired her for singing on the job, her labour union said yesterday. Mirco Rota, secretary-general of the CGIL steelworkers' branch in Bergamo, northern Italy, said the woman -- a long-term employee who had lived in the country for 20 years -- was fired from a metalworking shop for "singing and bothering her colleagues." "That's ridiculous, given that her work -- hammering metal -- meant she couldn't be heard beyond one metre," he said.

Ticket To Ride

Headline: Allegedly Intoxicated Couple Seek Lift From Police
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 14.2.9
Caption: Ticket To Ride

An allegedly intoxicated couple stopped at a police station to try to catch a lift home. La Marque Police Chief Richard Price said the woman collapsed in the lobby. Her 22-year-old boyfriend was arrested after marijuana was found in his shoes.

Price told The Associated Press on Friday he believes the two were under the influence of narcotics and "thought they needed to get a ride home."

The Galveston County Daily News reports a police dispatcher monitoring security video Wednesday night noticed the pair.

Price said the woman, who received medical attention, recovered and will be cited for public intoxication. Her name was not released.

Michael Carl Bell of Texas City was jailed on a marijuana possession charge. A Galveston County jailer, who declined to allow her name to be used, said bond was $2,592.

Headline: Transgender Woman Exercised Husband to Death
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 14.2.9
Caption: A Grave Exercise Session

CHARDON, Ohio — An Ohio transgender woman has pleaded guilty to reckless homicide for exercising her 73-year-old husband to death in an apartment complex swimming pool.

Middlefield police say surveillance video shows 41-year-old Christine Newton-John pulling James Mason around the pool by his arms and legs and preventing him from leaving. Mason had a heart attack on June 2 just after the extended swim session.

Headline: Woman teacher jailed over sex texts to boy
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 13.2.9
Caption: Boy seducer seduced to jail

A primary school teacher who sent sexually explicit text messages to a 14-year-old boy whom she met through an interactive computer game was jailed for 12 months yesterday.

Lynn Walls, 42, first encountered the boy – who lived 240 miles away – while playing World of Warcraft, the world's most popular online game. In the role-playing game, which features humans and mythical creatures and has 11 million subscribers worldwide, Walls created a virtual self who was thin, attractive and blonde.

The overweight, divorced mother told police later that she had designed her virtual character to be “everything I am not”. The boy, from London, fell for the image. The pair had private discussions in an online chat room before Walls persuaded him to exchange mobile phone numbers.

Headline: Defibrillator champion is saved by one himself
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 13.2.9
Caption: Defibrillator saves man who sought to install it

..."I believe the Lord chose me to lead that group," said Terry, who lives in Hurst, Texas. But his "sign from the Lord" came, not in the form of a dream or a mysterious figure in his morning toast. Instead, it came in the form of a cardiac arrest by the security checkpoint at the Austin airport.

"I was trying to get back to the metroplex because I had a meeting the next morning. I reached down to pick up my briefcase, and I kept going."

Here's where the story takes an ironic twist: Gary Terry collapsed just 18 feet from an automated external defibrillator AED that he and his group -- the American Heart Association -- helped to install just eight months earlier...

Headline: 13-Year-Old, Barely 4 Feet Tall, Becomes Father
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 13.2.9
Caption: He Did Not Know What He Was Doing?

A 13-year-old British boy — with the physical appearance of a child much younger, standing at 4 feet tall — is the father of a new baby girl, The Sun reports.

Alfie Patten's girlfriend Chantelle Steadman, 15, became pregnant after a one-time tryst between the two, according to Alfie's father, Dennis.

"He didn’t know what he was doing and of the complications that could come," said Dennis Patten.

Headline: World's longest fingernails lost in car crash
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 13.2.9
Caption: Broken Fingernail

THE woman who was credited with having world's longest fingernails has lost them in a car crash.

Lee Redmond, who was listed as having the longest nails in the Guinness Book of World Records, suffered serious but not life threatening injuires in an accident in Salt Lake City, Utah, on Wednesday, local paper the Desert News reported.

Ms Redmond was thrown out of a 4WD vehicle and was taken to hospital...

Headline: Teenage handbag thief outpaced by 72-year-old ex-sprinter
Clip from: telegraph.co.uk
Date of clip: 12.2.9
Caption: Super Woman

A teenage thief picked on the wrong victim when she tried to run off with a bag belonging to pensioner Jean Hirst - a former championship sprinter.
The schoolgirl was surprised to discover her victim, a former All England Schools championship sprinter, still had a turn of pace - at the age of 72.

As Mrs Hirst gave chase, she soon began to close on the culprit who was forced to throw down the bag in her desperation to escape.

The retired teacher had allowed three teenage girls into her car to help her with directions after getting lost on the way to a theatre.

She was straight out of the starting blocks again, however, when one of them took advantage and tried to make off with her bag.

Mrs Hirst said: "Suddenly I felt 18 again. The adrenaline just kicked in and I seemed to turn back the years...

Real Brainy Move

Headline: Pair Seeking Leniency Allegedly Go Before Judge Drunk
Clip from: FOXews.com
Date of clip: 24.1.9
Caption: Real Brainy Move

A southeastern Pennsylvania man and woman seeking leniency on public drunkenness fines he hasn't paid have now been cited for public drunkenness in the judge's office.

The pair visited District Judge Rodney Hartman's office in New Holland on Wednesday. They were responding to a warrant notice over fines the man owes for an October public drunkenness conviction. He said he didn't have money to pay.

Someone noticed that the two appeared drunk at the judge's office. Police gave Breathalyzer tests and say the two had blood-alcohol levels far above the legal limits for driving.

Headline: Brewer's droop an old wives' tale
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 24.1.9
Caption: Alcohol Aids Erection

IT gives the phrase "a stiff drink" a whole new meaning: Australian researchers have made the surprise discovery that alcohol improves, rather than damages, men's performance in the bedroom. They hope the finding, which flies in the face of conventional belief, will reassure men who worry about the affects of drinking on their sex lives.

Until now, it has been widely believed alcohol consumption could cause erectile dysfunction, commonly called "brewer's droop''.

But a study of 1580 Australian men has shown the reverse may be true, with drinkers reporting as many as 30 per cent fewer problems than teetotallers.

Even binge drinkers had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who never drank, although this type of drinking can cause other health problems...

Headline: Man charged in nutty attack
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 24.1.9
Caption: Peanut OilCaper

A MAN has been charged with assault using peanut oil he allegedly smeared on a car door handle to make his allergic former fiancee ill, police said.
Police in Burlington,Ontario, Canada, said the 49-year-old woman became sick after touching her car door handle and was treated for an allergic reaction to nuts at a nearby medical clinic.

She suffered no serious lasting effects.

"It is an unusual case, but it's also very serious because the victim could have had an allergy attack while driving and gotten into an accident," Sergeant Brian Carr said.

Headline: Woman Arrested for Unreturned Library Book
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 23.1.9
Caption: Library Book Caper

An Iowa woman was arrested because she failed to return a library book.

Shelly Koontz, 39, was arrested Thursday night on a fifth-degree theft charge. She is accused of keeping "The Freedom Writers Diary," which she checked out from the public library in nearby Jesup in April.

Police say the book — which is about a high school teacher's effort to inspire students to write — is valued at $13.95.

Court records show library employees tried repeatedly to contact Koontz by phone and mail. A police officer even visited her home last September.

Headline: Hostess told to dress more 'sexy'
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 23.1.9
Caption: Not Sexy Enough To Be a Airline Hostess

Dress debate ... Karin Keegan says a male JetBlue employee told her to change into a lower-cut shirt and tighter pants before letting her on a plane / AFP
A FEMALE flight attendant is suing a US airline after allegedly being denied a flight because she wasn't dressed provocatively enough. Thirty-seven-year-old Karin Keegan says a male JetBlue employee told her to change into a lower-cut shirt and tighter pants before letting her on a plane, reports the Associated Press.

"Ms Keegan changed into more provocative clothes, but (the employee) told her she was too late to board the plane and should have dressed like that before," said the lawsuit, which has been filed...

Two Drunks Not Better Than One

Headline: NY Driver, Passenger Switch Places; Both Drunk
Date of clip: 15.1.9
Caption: Two Drunks Not Better Than One

A drunken Long Island driver switched places with his passenger _ but the new driver also was intoxicated. Suffolk County police said an officer spotted the driver and passenger stopped on the road and switching places early Thursday in Mount Sinai.

When they started moving again, their car began tailgating another vehicle, causing it to go onto the shoulder.

Headline: Gardening boosts men's sex livesClip from: telegraph.co.uk
Date of clip: 15.1.9
Caption: Gardening men have stronger erections

...Digging, weeding or mowing the lawn for half an hour reduced men's risk of failing to live up to expectations in bed by more than a third, the survey found.
The same study showed other forms of moderate exercise, such as dancing and cycling, could have similar benefits.
Men who spend even more time in the vegetable patch can more than halve their risk of impotence, researchers at the Medical University of Vienna found in their study.
"Erectile function can be maintained even by low, regular physical activity," concludes the report. "Energy expenditure of as little as 1,000 calories a week reduces the risk. Doctors should use these findings to encourage their patients to do more physical training and adopt a healthier lifestyle."
Impotence is thought to affect one in ten men in Britain at some stage in their life.
Around 30 per cent of cases are due to psychological factors, such as depression or pressure at work.
But the remaining 70 per cent have some underlying physical cause, such as diabetes or high blood pressure.
Some doctors believe it is an early sign of heart disease as reduced blood flow to the genitals is a sign of clogged arteries.
Two-thirds of sufferers become depressed.
Although a healthy lifestyle is known to help combat impotence, until now there has no clear indication just how much is needed.
The latest study, published in the journal European Urology, shows men do not have to be keep-fit fanatics to reap the benefits and need to burn just 1,000 calories a week. ...

Headline:Teen 'turned high-rise stairwell into waterfall'
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 15.1.9
Caption: Water Logger

A TEENAGER has been asked to pay $40,000 in damages after allegedly switching on 80 water mains in a Gold Coast high-rise, turning stairwells into waterfalls.
Swan Charles Campbell, 19, faced Southport Magistrate's Court charged with wilful damage over the December 10 incident at the 40-storey Circle on Cavill high-rise in the heart of Surfers Paradise.

According to the police report, CCTV footage shows Campbell walking into the building bone dry before later emerging soaking wet, The Courier-Mail reports.

After 80 water mains across both of the building's two towers had been turned on, water started gushing through light fittings and the elevator shafts, while the emergency stairwells "were like waterfalls".

Water even started running down the outside of the building.

Facing a charge of wilful damage, Campbell has been asked to pay a bill for damages totalling more than $40,000.

Headline: Robber Mistakes Building For A Bank, Demands Cash
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 15.1.9
Caption: Bank Robber With No Bank To Rob

Police said a man showed a gun and tried to rob a bank, but he wasn't in one. The Jessamine South Elkhorn Water District has offices in what was formerly a branch of Farmers Bank. City police spokesman Scott Harvey told the Lexington Herald-Leader a man came into the building Tuesday, showed a pistol and demanded money.

When an employee told the man the office really didn't have any money, the confused would-be robber replied, "I know you have money. It's a bank."

He was told it was no longer a bank and he left with nothing.

Headline: Stripping burglar stuck on roof
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 15.1.9
Caption: Stuck in the nude for you

A SUSPECTED burglar who got stuck on a house roof in an exclusive Melbourne suburb stripped naked to show police he wasn't carrying any weapons.
The man became stuck on top of the property in Middle Park, in Bayside Melbourne, about 11.30am (AEDT) today, a police spokeswoman said.

"Initially he didn't want to come down but now it's a matter of getting him down safely,'' she said.

After first stripping naked, he then put his clothes back on, the spokeswoman said.

Local police, helicopters, police dogs, the police force response unit and the Metropolitan Fire Brigade (MFB) were all at the scene at lunchtime working out how to rescue the man.

We're All Human

Headline: Cop 'caught drink-driving on duty'
From: news.com.au
Date of clip: 4.1.9
Caption: We're All Human

A 32-year-old police officer has been charged with drink driving while on duty in Margaret River in Western Australia.
Western Australian police allege the officer had been driving on Willmott Avenue, Margaret River, on November 29 when she tested positive for a blood alcohol limit in excess of 0.08.

Headline: Poor Economy Prompts Wave of Burial Plot Sales
From: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 3.1.9
Caption: Too Broke to Die

Burial plot brokers are reporting an uptick in the business of reselling grave sites, as money troubles prompt a growing number of people to put their burial plots up for sale, often at a loss.

Baron Chu, who owns the burial site resale business Plot Brokers, said he is doing nine or 10 times as much business as usual, a jump he attributes to the economic downturn, according to the Los Angeles-based Daily News.

Chu said people are only getting about a quarter of what their plots would have fetched six months ago because of the increased supply hitting the market. He said one client, who had just been evicted from her home, got $500 for a plot worth $6,800.

Headline: Man's Last Lotto Ticket Wins $10M for Widow
From: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 3.1.9
Caption: Gift From a Dead Man

On the day that Donald Peters died, he unknowingly provided financial security for his wife of 59 years and their family.

Peters bought two Connecticut Lottery tickets at a local 7-Eleven store on Nov. 1 as part of a 20-year tradition he shared with his wife Charlotte. Later that day, the 79-year-old retired hat factory worker suffered a fatal heart attack while working in his yard in Danbury.

On Friday, his widow cashed in one of the tickets: a $10 million winner which, in her grief over her husband's death, she had put aside and almost discarded before recently checking the numbers.

"I'm numb," Charlotte Peters, 78, said at Connecticut Lottery headquarters in Rocky Hill.

Headline: The Pill 'polluting the environment'
From: news.com.au
Date of clip: 3.1.9
Caption: No Birth Killing

THE contraceptive pill is polluting the environment and is in part responsible for male infertility, a report in the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano said today.

The pill "has for some years had devastating effects on the environment by releasing tonnes of hormones into nature" through female urine, said Pedro Jose Maria Simon Castellvi, president of the International Federation of Catholic Medical Associations, in the report.

"We have sufficient evidence to state that a non-negligible cause of male infertility in the West is the environmental pollution caused by the pill," he said, without elaborating further.

Headline:Man Discovers Neighbor Is His Long Lost Sister
From: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 3.1.9
Caption: Love Thy Neighbor it Might be Your Sister

A brother and sister in England spent 40 years trying to find each other — then discovered they lived only 300 yards apart.
Ken Whitty, 64, walked past 62-year-old Yvonne’s house countless times and even saw her in the garden, but did not recognize her.
They were reunited only after Whitty wrote to his local paper appealing for help in his search.
Soon after his letter was published, he got a phone call saying: "Hello, this is Yvonne."
The pair spent their early years in Ordsall, Greater Manchester.
They were still kids when their parents died and were cared for by a family friend.

Drunk Drunk Tester

Headline: Blood Alcohol Tester Charged In Nevada With DUI
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 9.12.8
Caption: Drunk Drunk Tester

A contract worker for a Nevada sheriff's department is accused of driving drunk to a jail to test a suspect's blood alcohol content.

Fifty-three-year-old Kathleen Cherry told a Carson City sheriff's deputy who smelled alcohol on her breath that she had one margarita before driving Friday night.

She's accused of failing field sobriety tests and registering a blood alcohol content over the state's legal limit of 0.08 percent.

Cherry is a phlebotomist, trained to draw blood for lab tests. She was booked on a misdemeanor drunken driving charge, and her bail was set at more than $1,000.

HEADLINE: Washington Priest Chases Thief, Recovers Church Funds
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 8.12.8
Caption: The Long Arm of Religion

A Washington priest went sprinting through the streets, just before Mass, to recover collection money that a thief swiped from the church safe.

"I said, 'Hey, I'm going to go catch a thief,"' the Rev. Bill Hegedusich told startled congregants at St. Peter's church on Capitol Hill as he bounded through the church door Sunday morning.

Hegedusich said the man had taken two bags of money, totaling about $125, from an unlocked safe.

The 48-year-old marathon runner, clad in his black shirt and white clerical collar, said he chased the man for about two blocks and yelled at him to return the money. The man threw one bag on the ground and kept running.

Hegedusich returned with the single bag. He estimated that he recovered about $60.

Headline: Woman has first child ... at age 70
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 8.12.8
Caption: A Mother of a Grandma

AN Indian woman has given birth to her first child at the age of 70 after IVF treatment, local media reports.
Rajo Devi, who married 50 years ago, gave birth to a baby girl on November 28 after in vitro fertilisation, said Anurag Bishnoi, a doctor at the Hisar fertility centre in Haryana state.
"Rajo Devi and (her husband) Bala Ram approached the centre for treatment and the embryo transfer was done on April 19," he told the Hindustan Times.
"Both the mother and child are in good health."
Ms Devi's husband, aged 72, had also wed his wife's sister after 10 years of his first marriage did not result in children.
His second wife also failed to become pregnant.
It was not clear whose egg and sperm were used in the successful treatment.
"We longed for a child all these years and now we are very happy to have one in the twilight years of our life," Ms Devi told the Times of India.

Headline: Men Are Red-Faced, Women Greenish
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 8.12.8
Caption: Green Under The Gills

There's a new color palette for sex, and it's Christmas-y.
New research suggests while male faces are red, female faces have a greenish tint.
The results, detailed online this week in the journal Psychological Science, suggest that along with other facial cues, such as shape, color can be used to pick out a guy from a gal.

Headline: Field Trips Nixed After Students See Classmate Autopsy
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 8.12.8
Caption: We Know That Stiff

PONTIAC, Mich. — A medical examiner's office in Michigan has canceled public school tours after a high school group watched the autopsy of a 14-year-old girl from their district.

The Detroit News reports Monday that Oakland County officials decided to stop the tours in Pontiac after they were contacted by the girl's parents, who were very upset about the March tour.

Mike Zehnder, the county's director of public services, says it was "a poor decision" to let the tour go on.

Headline: Rhino escapes zoo pen in search for love
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 8.12.8
Caption: Horny

A RANDY rhinoceros escaped its enclosure today and went looking for love - but has been sedated near a perimeter fence.
The escapee - an 18-year-old male white rhino named Satara - was reported to have escaped Monarto Zoo, east of Adelaide, around just after 1pm (CST) today.

Relieved zoo keepers then reported the amorous animal lacked an adequate sense of direction and was not able to gain access to the female object of his desire, AdelaideNow reports

Headline: Man stole police car to sell its tyres
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 8.12.8
Caption: Dumb Ass

A MAN who stole an empty police car crashed it into a garbage dumpster at the end of a two-hour joy ride
"When I found the car and I saw it had the key in the ignition, well, I just got in," foiled car thief Alejandro Juarez said in Aguascalientes, Mexico.

"I was thinking about taking off the tyres so I could sell them," he said.

"But then I was thinking first I would take it for a spin - and then bam, I got a bit distracted and crashed," Mr Juarez said.

Headline: 'Tis the season to dump grannies - doctors
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 8.12.8
Caption: Bye, Bye Grannies

ELDERLY Victorians are being dumped in hospital emergency departments as their relatives go on holidays.

Frontline hospital staff have lifted the lid on the shocking practice of "granny dumping", saying it is on the increase and peaks over the Christmas period.

There are calls for an urgent inquiry as worried emergency department workers warn the practice is robbing genuine patients of vital beds.

Last Monday, a woman in her 70s was delivered by ambulance to the Northern Hospital's emergency department, where her relatives requested she stay for three weeks.

For once the scales tip and the right one gets hurt.

Headline: Accused Drunk Driver Ends Up Running Over Himself
Clip from: CBSnews.com
Date of clip: 26.11.8
Caption: Smart move

... A tip to the state's DrunkBuster hot line Sunday afternoon alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver.

State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man's pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop.

After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse.

Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver's side tire.

Headline: Superg-Looed: Man Stuck To Toilet
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 26.11.8
Caption: Stuck to the loo my darling.

A 35-year-old man has been taken to hospital stuck to a public toilet after a prankster covered the seat with glue.

Headline: Fake penis drug cheat duo guilty
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 26.11.8
Caption: Is larger really better?

TWO men who sold fake penises enabling drug cheats to give clean urine samples have pleaded guilty to conspiracy.
Gerald Wills and Robert Catalano, the president and vice president of Puck Technology, entered guilty pleas on Monday at a federal court in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. They were charged last month with selling the Whizzinator penis - a lifelike device used to emit clean, realistically warm urine instead of the user's true urine.

Headline: Bus Driver Allegedly Asked Cheerleaders to Flash Him
Clip from: FOXNews.com
Date of clip: 25.11.8
Caption: Bus Driving Pervert.

A longtime school bus driver could be fired after several members of a cheerleading squad in Lynnfield, Mass., said he offered them $40 to lift up their shirts.

Driver Bill Diamond, 56, was suspended without pay after the allegations surfaced, MyFOXBoston.com reported. Diamond has been at the job for 23 years.

Headline: Mad killer granted cabbie's licence
Clip from: news.com.au
Date of clip: 25.11.8
Caption: Sounds like a movie plot.

AN insane killer who stabbed his wife to death has won the right to drive a cab - but passengers are not allowed to know his identity.

A tribunal granted the man taxi accreditation despite pleas from Victoria's Director of Public Transport to ban him from the roads. A Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal order prevents the Herald Sun revealing the name of the driver, known only as 'XFJ'.

VCAT deputy president Michael Macnamara said in his decision that XFJ's violent history raised a significant safety issue for taxi passengers.